So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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