Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
