smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
