when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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