Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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