True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
