i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
someone owes me an orgasm
i will never coherently bang her
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
