Barsexuality is the new black.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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