Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
