What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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