Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
