I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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