so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
