Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
