saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
we should paint friendship bongs
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
