Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
