God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Randomize
