just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
