somebody snuck up and got me drunk
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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