my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I could fuck to npr.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
