She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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