a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
