the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Say something about gay babies.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize