Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
