This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
