please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
