If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
it's great music for shaving your balls
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
