I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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