Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize