saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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