Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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