There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
