# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
