the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oh god it's open bar.
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