Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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