I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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