I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
