Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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