If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
