I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
50% drunk capacity currently
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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