Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
