I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
