If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
