So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
