Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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