thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
