so that wasnt chicken after all
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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