your thong is hanging out like whoa
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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