69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
