Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize