so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
