he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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