thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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