I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
