Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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