By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
