i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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