I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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