I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
