awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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