right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
