Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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