Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
