I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
