I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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